your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
