wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
