I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
