Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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