So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
