I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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