Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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