It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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