The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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