I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
