nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
