dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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