Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
