When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Alive.
So much puke
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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