4 words: hood of his car
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
