I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
