Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
