My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Drunk is not a location!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?