The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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