My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
