Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
