so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
