He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
