I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
