he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
