Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
