Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
