Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dick very happy bro
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
