Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
