I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
