Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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