Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
