it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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