I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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