it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
