A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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