she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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