It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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