dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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