Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am one with the molecules
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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