70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
