it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
