Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
