Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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