Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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