I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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