just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
