the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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