Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
