I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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