I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
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One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
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I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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