you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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