you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
