I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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