I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
