so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
