I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
